1. Understanding… Getting Your Life Back – taking control.
Many people stay single long after their last relationship because they don’t understand why the last one failed. And who wants to do something that hurts a lot, and costs a lot, twice. So, take a leaf our of nature’s book and see that two trees planted in the same piece of ground cannot survive for long. One must either shrivel and die or be replanted, re-potted — moved. Sometimes our desire to merge our life with someone special causes us to plant our roots too close to theirs, in doing so, we lose independence, lose authenticity, lose individuality, lose ourselves and the relationship, like those two trees planted so close together, must move.
The move does not always result in single-dom… sometimes it’s a renegotiation of the old relationship. New boundaries, new lines in the sand, new commitments, new vision. But this is totally dependent on the ability of a couple to be open, authentic and real. All the past pains cannot be denied, all the lost trust cannot be solved with promises. And blame or victim must vanish from any form of introspection about the past.
Whether a couple stay together or separate, the healing journey is the same. So, if either party in a relationship still remains the victim (he she did this to me) or blaming (if it weren’t for them, everything would be fine) the relationship remains stagnant. The only moving on that can be achieved is “re-potting” – separation is the only way.
Now, if a couple separate and one of those two people carry any of the following forward, then the couple have not separated at all. They are only moved, not separated, this this would keep either one or both of those two people, single. And even if either of those two people met a new partner they wouldn’t really be 100% available.
Those blocks to moving on are: Guilt, Shame, Blame, Victim, Anger, Attraction.
The cause of healing and therefore healthy future are: Thankfulness, Unconditional love and Compassion.
3. Unfinished Business – No Go Zones
Another thing that can keep you single for a hell of a long time is friendship with your ex. Friendship between two people who are separated is healthy. However, there are many rules around such friendships that are essential in order to prevent the friendship being just another mechanism of attachment, manipulation and control. I’ll try to share the important ones:
- No hope or desire to get back together… clearly stated and enjoyed as reality – especially sex is a no go zone. Physical contact should be limited to handshake, not even hugs and cheek kisses.
- No invasion of privacy… questions limited to work, health and happiness… no dialogue about the past, present or future of any relationship
- Financial Arrangements always written and money’s lent with interest, and penalty (legal and financial) for non repayment (money is the source of so much manipulation)
- No opinions welcomed. Sometimes people give themselves permission to give you advice you didn’t ask for. Unsolicited advice regarding health, happiness, home, wealth, friendships, work and self awareness are strictly forbidden
Now, when you take all of the above out of a dynamic between two people you’ll suddenly realise what that relationship meant to you both. You might even conclude that without those things there’s little reason to stay friends.. and that’s when you realise that there was a whole lotta stuff keeping you together that wasn’t really healthy.
4. Looking for Your Other Half
Unhappy people find happiness in relationships. They become happy when they meet their other half. To stay happy in that relationship, unhappy people must make sure that nothing that makes them unhappy happens in their new relationship. This is called… sabotage.
Happy people already found happiness. Relationships don’t make them more happy. They are happy and they protect that happiness from the stress of work, the complacency of relationship, the needs of family and the ravages of worry.
Unhappy people who get happy through relationship sign their own destiny away to heart break. Nature just doesn’t allow it. Happiness that comes as a result of children, money, status, success or relationship is temporary.
Just remember, you can’t be happy and un-thankful at the same time.
5. Lumpy Lifestyles keep people single
Work life balance is for some, a really important driving force for the health and happiness of their relationship. Put in other language is means “work can be hard and a bit of a grind” as long as “love is sweet”. Translating that into historical terms, “the guy goes out to kill the wild buffalo for dinner and puts his life at risk, the woman struggles collecting leaves, firewood and looking after the kids” and after a bloody hard day doing all that, they have a shag and fall asleep. Work – Life Balance.
We live and love is a modern world where that sort of head space around a relationship only dominates 95% of global households. Around 10% are more conscious and the rest are single.
It’s this model of work life balance that keeps married people and single people single. A person who comes home with work life balance in mind will give themselves all sorts of relationship sabotaging permissions. I’ll list them:
Relationship sabotaging permissions that come from Neanderthal work life balance models:
- Comes home tired at night so the relationship gets the dregs of their personality and energy
- Tries to suck happiness and recuperation out of their partner to refresh for tomorrows grind
- Feels sorry for self and thinks they deserve privilege in the home because they’re so, so, so hard done by in their work day, devoted to “bringing home the bacon”
- Gets unhealthy, obese, hair falls out, stinky armpits, smelly crutch and justifies this based on being a victim of work based demands that they have no choice about.
Incompetence at work drives 99% of all relationship failures. People who do not have the good fortune of a strong, inspired leader as a boss get to practice terrible antiquated, neanderthal work life balance process. They stay late thinking it’s good, they take work home with pride, they walk in the door and protest how tired they are with some sort of pride. This all adds up to BORING, BORING, BORING and nobody married somebody to be bored.
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