A question I received just recently was from a young man who said that he falls in love at the drop of a hat, or maybe that should read heart, and then just as quickly feels an equally strong need to withdraw from the relationship when it gets to the part that she is asking for more of a commitment.
I was told that everything is just great until the moment it seems that the woman starts to ask questions like ‘where are we going?’ at which time he gets an overwhelming sense of dread and a need to just pull out of the relationship. He says he just wants to ‘run with fear!’
So the question is: ‘why, when everything looks and feels perfect, does he do this?’
The answer can be found in his statement: ‘run with fear!’ because it is fear that is driving it. So without an opportunity to explore his background further the answer maybe either in a past experience between someone who was very important to him, such as his parents, or from a previous experience of his own in which he might have been deeply hurt and has not yet fully recovered.
All our past experiences affect how we respond to what is happening to us now. So if our past experiences have been positive then so will our present experiences be positive and if our past experiences have been negative so too will our present experiences be unless we have taken the time to review those experiences, learned what we need to learn from them to ensure a comfort within ourselves that we will not make the same mistakes again.
When we have done this satisfactorily then we can enter into new experiences without the past impacting on the outcome. And sometimes we need some extra help with this and that is where counselling can play a truly valuable role.
I often wonder when I hear people say that there is no such thing as love. The reason for such thinking is that, most likely they have been deceived by someone in the past, so they become cynical and begin to say that love does not exist.
They do so because they do not want to get hurt again, but in saving themselves, they hurt many other people by first getting into a relationship and then shying away telling their partner that they do not love them when what they probably really want to say is simply: ‘I’m scared’.
If this describes you take a good look inside of yourself and be really honest with yourself. Is this about no love or is this really that you are scared. If it is because you are scared help is at hand. No-one should spend their days alone because of something that happened a long time ago.
And if it really is that you think that you just want to spend some time with someone, and not really commit to a relationship, then you should let the other person know that you are not into anything serious and that you will not commit to them. You should tell this to them in the beginning, rather than breaking their heart afterwards.
If you are not in love then you cannot be happy in a relationship because the relationship does not really exist. To get the most out of your life and out of your relationship firstly do the work you need to do to be finished with any past relationships and then open your heart and your soul to all the joy that true love, without any fear, can offer you.
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