Commitment Phobia–The Truth VS. Myth–from an upscale matchmaker

Commitment Phobia must be the buzz word of the moment  because as an upscale matchmaker I am hearing it everywhere I turn, from my clients, from my friends…everyone, so I would write a post to separate fact from fiction when it comes to commitment phobes (as they are called) and intimacy phobes ( their close cousins).

-Commitment phobia and Intimacy phobia are the same thing: MYTH!

Although they are very simular, they are very different as well:

A classic commitment-phobe has relationship ADD, they can’t stay with anyone for very long, they are perpetual players often looking for the next relationship on the horizon. They start off a relationship all hot and heavy and then burn out. They are generally gregarious and outgoing, they might even be especially flirty and charming. They tend to pick people who are unavailable ( married, long distance realtionships etc), even beyond relationships, these people sometimes can’t even commit to a place to live, a car to drive or a job to work in. They don’t want to talk about marriage, they don’t want to talk about going on vacation with you, they don’t even want to talk about plans for next week…it would be too much of a commitment.

A classic intimacy phobe is actually the complete opposite of a commitment phobe in many ways. People with fears of intimacy are often reserved and even cold when you first met them but warm up gradually. These folks are not flirtatious and generally keep to themselves. When they find something or someone they are comfortable like a friend, a place to live, a car or a job with, they stick like glue…If they meet someone they connect with, they have no trouble staying faithful, the trouble will be committing fully to that person ( though marriage, having a family).

– If a person isn’t married by 45, they must be a commitment phobe. MYTH.

Some people wait to get married, especially men…but keep in mind…marriage is not for everyone, some people simply don’t want to marry.

– If you stay with someone who fears commitment or intimacy, it’s just a matter of time before they commit and all they need is love: MYTH…with a but.

There are two buts when I say this is a myth. First keep in mind you can’t change anyone, you can just be a supportive partner for someone who you would like to change, they have to do the changing on themselves. The hard thing about most commitment phobes is most do not want to admit they have a problem, and even if they do, they might not see it as a problem the way you do. The other but is that you have define what you mean by commitment, if commitment means marriage to you, then it might be VERY hard, but then again each situation is do different.

Nicole is the head matchmaker at