Has your love life become a sore source of irritation for you because you want to get married but he doesn’t? You know that no-win situation where you feel an emotional wall between you that’s caused by the fact that you have each dug in your heels on opposite sides of the marriage debate. You feel that you must (at all costs) get married… and he is quite happy with the non-committal nature of the relationship as it is. Are you in a place of frustration after trying sulking, tears and your entire arsenal of tricks to ‘make’ him change his mind but with no tangible results? Yes, he sometimes reacts to your jabbing but not to the point of changing his mind about getting married. So what should you do if you want to get married but he doesn’t?
1. Understand why it is that you want to get married. Yes marriage is a great and desirable progression for any romantic relationship but to answer the question; ‘why do I want to get married but he doesn’t?’ we will start by trying to answer the first part of the question… why do I want to get married? This part is all about you and your motives for wanting to get married so search your heart and be brutally honest about it… at least to yourself, so that you can move forward from this unhappy place. Ask yourself:
a. Am I afraid of being alone? Can you barely stand to be alone? Can you live at peace with just yourself? If your reason for getting married is just that you don’t want to be alone then this may be a problem. He may realize that the only reason you want to marry him is because you just cannot stand being alone. No-one or rather no self respecting man wants to be a means to an end and he will resist all your efforts to get him to commit. You need to make peace with yourself… and to begin to enjoy your own company!
b. Am I terrified of losing this man? Are you just simply afraid of losing this man? Of course if you love him then you will have a strong desire to keep him in your life but what I’m talking about here is the irrational fear that if you don’t tie him down as tightly and… as quickly as possible he may fly away. Do you feel like you hit the jackpot with him and you simply cannot understand why he would stay with you? Then the fear vibes that you are emitting may be making him run. Learn how to love yourself, as a unique and beautiful creation that’s worthy of any man!
c. Am I in love with the idea of marriage and NOT necessarily with him? Some of us have been ready to get married since we were in our early teens… and we have this fantasy of what marriage will do for us… we will finally become complete human beings. Do you believe that you will finally only be happy if he says ‘I do’? Do you believe that marriage will make you feel better about yourself and solve all your current problems? Then your reasons for getting married are all wrong and if you do get married you will be unhappy since no marriage can live up to your fantasy. Subconsciously you will be sending out a signal that marriage at any cost, to anyone is what you want… and he will get that vibe from you and he will resist marriage to you with all his strength. Get informed about marriage so that you can understand what marriage really is. Yes, marriage is great but it also has its share of challenges as two lives merge and begin to live in the closest human closeness possible. Think about such emotional, physical and spiritual closeness… won’t there be challenges?
2. Understand why it is that he does not want to get married. You must now try to answer the 2nd part of the question ‘I want to get married but he doesn’t?’… the part on why ‘he doesn’t’? Remember that your man is actually a rational person and his refusal to marry you is based on some good reasons (at least they are good to him). Wait until he is relaxed and ask him casually why it is that he doesn’t want to get married. If the marriage issue gets both of you angry and irrational then you may need to get help from someone else who is unbiased (not on his or on your side).
a. Has he been badly hurt by commitment situations in the past? Remember what he has told you about his past romantic history and how he grew up so as to gauge whether his past has a stranglehold on him today. If he is still living in the past then he will be unable to move forward with you until he makes peace with what happened in his relationships or in his growing up years. This can be a sticky point since his past will be painful and he has to want to deal with it in order to move forward with you. If he is unwilling to deal with his past then you may have to decide on whether you want to stay in this relationship with no assurance that he will ever come to the point where he will be ready to marry you.
To get married you both need to be ready with the right attitude toward each other and toward marriage.
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